I’m Danny. The main thing to know about me is that I’m a winner in a world of losers. You probably don’t know this about me, but I fought for the good guys – the United States of America – for freedom – against the Japs in World War II. But I did way more than that. I fought against the Commies all over the world.
So anyway after the war I went back home, became a cop, eventually rose the ranks to become the Chief of Police. But it’s a po-dunk town, so I decided to look for something better. In 1960, I joined CIA.
Of course part of CIA you have to go to the head-shrinker, and the docs wired me up and did all sorts of tests, and I had to fill out form after form with weird questions like, “did you ever harm an animal as a child?” And I would answer, well, sure I used to take pot shots with a BB gun at the neighborhood cats and I skinned one once.
In any case, the doctors confirmed it: I’m a winner. So I was placed in a very special unit, interrogation. I spent the late 60’s and early 70’s in South America fighting the commies. What I did was basically train the local police in interrogation techniques. One of the specialties I came up with was putting an electrode between their teeth. You’ve had a toothache, right? It hurts like a bitch, don’t it? Well, no commies last long under that kind of pain. You could also wire up their pussies, which makes them flip the hell out. I always told my students, “the precise pain, in the precise place, in the precise amount, for the desired effect.”
But look you have to finesse these things. You don’t want to over-do it and just snuff them. You have to break them down so they admit they are lying.
So anyway when I was still just a beat cop I met this guy, Jimmy, who worked at the hospital. We used to drink together. Jimmy was, like me, a winner. He was a showboat, let me tell you.
Now I don’t know when Jimmy joined CIA. They sent him to infiltrate the local Commie party meetings. At some point he starts a church, and immediately he starts getting write-ups in the New York Times about how he’s helping integrate the Negroes. As I said, Jimmy was a show-boat.
So anyway Jimmy goes down to Brazil to set up a branch of the church. In 1962, that’s where we met again and I helped train him in our best psych tactics. So he goes to San Francisco and sets up an entire operation, and he’s meeting with all the big shot politicians and everything, you know, all the people that were from the FDR days, the greatest President next to Washington.
Ok so the psych guys have this crazy ass idea. What they are going to do is make “Manchurian Candidates.” They use all sorts of drugs, some of my interrogation tactics, all sorts of crazy stuff. Like what I do – sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
In a lot of ways my job was much more simple. When I was running the training program for the Uruguayan police, I would just grab a bum off the street, do the demonstration, then sometimes we’d chop them up and dump the body out in the street as a warning to the commies.
But what Jimmy was doing was way more complicated. So, basically, you know you get the sheep. If you’re a winner, like Jimmy and I, you can identify losers, you have the right mindset. So Jimmy would figure out which one was good, he’d go to them and say, “I really feel you need some therapy to work on some of your issues. I know a really great doctor, here’s his card, go to the hospital and talk to him. I think it will really help you.”
And Jimmy, people loved him. So they always did.
The only problem was, we just never had enough losers. Plus, worse, about 1975 the fucking politicians started sticking their noses where they don’t belong. So we got the great idea – why don’t we move the sheep down here, where there weren’t any DC assholes snooping around causing trouble?
So that was Richard Dwyer. He was running the thing. So, you know, all the losers wake up, get their pills, and Jimmy’s on the loudspeaker constantly with his sermons. Not my department, I don’t know if it works or not. But you know, it was like Gladio. Something gets blown up, somebody gets shot, it looks like a commie did it. And if they get caught, well, they think they ARE commies. It’s actually brilliant if you think about it.
But you know, that fuckwad asshole politician Ryan, he actually comes down here with a whole contingent of reporters and stuff, and as the heat was getting so much, Dwyer had to shut the operation down. The offed everybody and you know even Jimmy. Poor Jimmy, I really liked the guy. But you know everybody’s gotta go sometime.
For me, it was 1970’s, long before Jimmy. The commies kidnapped me, tried to use me as a chip to get a bunch of hostages, but something got fucked up. You know, eventually I got the two shots in the back of the head thing. Bastards left my body in a car.
Well I got a commendation from President Richard Nixon himself, and when I died, old blue eyes himself, Frankie Sinatra, and Jerry Lewis, a great guy, a real patriot, they held a benefit for my family back in Richmond, Indiana where Jimmy and I grew up.
Hey, it was a great life.