I loved my mother, she was a saint. Once when I was about five, I struggled with the same question all five year olds have to struggle with eventually: how could Santa Claus fit all those toys into his sleigh, and how can he fly to all the homes of all the children in the world in just one night? I had a pencil and graph paper and tried to figure it all out but I was still somewhat hazy on the idea of division.
My mother did one of those things she always did, she said, “it’s magic. Unless you are ready for the grown up answer. Are you ready for the grown up answer?”
Of course I was, and she told me, “Santa Claus is a fairy tale, for children. In reality? Your father bought all those presents. That’s why he goes to work every day, to buy you presents. You should really be thankful for how much your father loves you and takes care of all of us.”
Now my mother was a saint, but the next thing she said came to be somewhat problematic for me years later. She said, “I don’t want to lie to you about Santa Claus because then you might think I’m lying to you about Jesus.”
Now my father was no theologian, but he explained the concept of “original sin” to me. You see, we are all born with original sin, which means we are all selfish and don’t think about how other people feel. This means everyone is only thinking about themselves and everyone fights over everything because of how selfish they are.
So we accept Jesus into our heart and we try our hardest to not be selfish, to think of others first, and that way everyone is happy and gets along, which makes Jesus up in Heaven very happy.
At five this was all the theology I needed, even though I wasn’t exactly buying it, because my sister was spoiled rotten and she was totally selfish yet that hardly mattered to my parents who clearly loved her more than me and she got presents basically every day, even when it wasn’t Christmas. 
So later when a Sunday School teacher was explaining how many animals could fit on Noah’s Ark, I had a sort of “enlightenment” moment. I thought maybe the story of Noah’s Ark is like the story of Santa Claus, it’s not meant to be taken literally, it refers to all manufacturers of dairy products.
When I was old enough to ride my bike to the library, and later the bookstore, I of course headed straight for the section where they had books with titles like “Who Wrote The Bible?” and “The Historical Jesus” and read as many of them as I could. When I would ask my father about some of the things I read, he would say, “yes that is very interesting, maybe that is right. But you still have to go to church and you better not be sassing the Sunday school teachers either.”
The first “higher criticism” I read was about the “Documentary Hypothesis” which suggested that the Pentateuch – the first five books of the Hebrew Bible, Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy, were actually written by four different people, or groups of people. There were two story cycles, the Jahwist, who called God “Jehovah” and the Elohist, who called God “Elohim” (which was evocatively … plural! So much for monotheism!)
Then the Deuteronomist came and put them all together. Later, the Priestly Source inserted the book of Leviticus, the worst and least Christian book in the Bible , and that is how we got the Pentateuch.
Now some people thought this sort of thing would cause a “crisis of faith” but it never caused any “crisis of faith” for me, at least no crisis of faith about God and Jesus. It did, however, give me a somewhat hesitant attitude about some of the people in church, and the teachers, because they clearly didn’t have a clue what they were talking about and were like little children reading a complicated, almost magical book, and totally missing the point
As the kids said back in those days, total Mundanes. Or as they say these days, what Muggles!
Well at some point I discovered Carotta, who pointed out that Julius Caesar – J.C. – after he was betrayed not by Judas but in fact by Brutus (thus!) was made into a god – or the Son of God – is the religious figure we have a history for, but no religion about – no hymns to that JC – while Jesus is the figure we have no history for, but lots of religion about.
And the Roman Catholic mass is more or less a reenactment of the Funeral of Julius Caesar, complete with a cross where they displayed his death-mask.
What do you know, the Emperor who made Christianity the official religion of the Roman Empire was really more into Sol Invictus which “just happened” to have a quite large overlap with the Cult of Divine Caesar and eventually when Constantine hires Eusebius to “normalize” the newly official religion it all gets merged into “official Christianity.”
Now as my Dad had the Complete Works of Josephus, which I did read, I had already noticed what everyone else had noticed: The Gospel can be read as an allegory for the history in The Jewish War.
Calling this a “hoax” or a “lie” is to greatly miss the point. As an adult I came to appreciate history in a whole new way, when I myself started writing allegories for the historical events that I was involved in, like the “New Pearl Harbor” of September 11, 2001. I couldn’t write the literal truth – I’d be fired and perhaps even sent to military prison like poor Susan Lindauer – so I wrote allegories. All of a sudden I could empathize with all those early Christian writers, who couldn’t say things in a plain fashion because, well, because they’d wind up like Jesus getting tortured to death on the cross. And if the Jews didn’t get them, the Romans surely would.
So when I read David Eisenman’s James the Brother of Jesus I was totally convinced, at least from the “Jewish” side – the “Hebrew” side. Eisenman did what no other “scholar” ever did, he said, right at the beginning of the book, get out the primary sources and read them along with my analysis, and see for yourself how obviously the allegories and stories play out.
Then along came a non-scholar, Joseph Atwill, who, needing nothing other than the Gospels, Josephus, and a basic understanding of the history at the time, laid out the close correspondence that everyone had already noticed, between the Gospel and Josephus.
But to be blunt, Atwill’s interpretation has some rather idiosyncratic aspects to it (the “comedy of errors” at the Tomb was particularly creative, and fascinating, but not particularly convincing.)
So finally some “real scholars” came along, James S. Valliant and C.W. Fahy, and wrote the book Creating Christ which took all of the literary “higher criticism” that had been done since the 1800’s, when the Germans decided to throw off Luther as they had thrown off the Pope, and the archaeological evidence in the city of Rome itself, and laid it all out in a way that this author has simply found the most compelling analysis, bar none.
After all, by Constantine establishing Christianity as the official religion, he was sacrilizing the history of his own family, the Flavians.
Some White Nationalists think that Christianity was a “trick” by the Jews, to sneak Judaism into Europe. Nonsense. If anything, it’s the exact opposite, Christianity was a “trick” on the Jews who were rebelling, taking all of their religious symbolism and ideology and making it into a religion compatible with Rome.
But frankly, even that is claiming far too much. There was no “trick” – this sort of syncretism was how religions worked.
It’s all laid out in more or less plain words.
The Levant had numerous tribes and peoples and religions. The Hebrew Bible was read by numerous different people and tribes and religions.
The Zionists had rebelled against the Hellenistic Seleucids, declaring “Year Zero of Zion” but quickly came to be reassimilated when the Romans took over.
The Zionist Jews – just like today – were livid that other people were reading “their” scriptures – even though they hadn’t written them, merely stole them – and they went around attacking people like Paul who weren’t “really Jews” – Paul was a Herodian who very much wanted peace with Rome – and forcibly castrating anyone caught reading the Bible that were not circumcised.
You can read Paul complaining about the Zionists “spying on our freedoms” in the toilets – yes, the Zionist Jews used to do “penis checks” in the restrooms and you can read Josephus explaining the “bandits” who went around doing such awful things.
Josephus himself realized that the Zionists had no chance against Rome, so being a smart guy, decided to switch teams. Josephus declared Vespasian to be the Messiah prophesied in Jewish scripture who would go on to rule the world.
But as we know Vespasian had to go back to Rome to take over the rest of the Empire, and instead sent His Son Jesus – oh wait, I’m sorry, His Son Titus – to finish the job.
You aren’t supposed to notice this, but Jesus constantly mocks his own “apostles” – who were all named after the Rebel leaders fighting against Rome – who can’t figure it out, “do you even know who I am?
So where Josephus has Vespasian and Titus “fighting the bandits” the Gospel has Jesus “casting out demons.”
The history explains that Judas had four sons, James, Simon, “Joses” and John. “Joses” was crucified as a rebel leader, Simon was killed, and James – the apostle “whom Jesus loved” was “saved for the triumph” and executed in the Colosseum.
If you’ve read this far – yes I’m misremembering some of the details here and only suggest you go and read yourselves. But the larger pattern is quite clear.
Back in the early days of Youtube, there was one of the “Evangelical” Christian types, really into the Bible and “alternative interpretations” who used to do reviews of various books he read.
By the time he got to Atwill, he was shocked. I remember him doing the video, it was like he just found out his father was a serial killer. He was shaking his head back and forth, “oh no what a horrible trick to play on the Jewish people!”
So what did he do? He changed his Internet handle to – I’m not joking – “IWannaBeJew” and declared himself a “God Fearer” that would “sit in the back of the synagogue” perfectly willing to “spill that drop of blood” – by which he meant have a Genuine Jew Rabbi literally cut his penis with a knife to draw blood, thus doing an “adult version of circumcision.”
Really, what a fucking moron.
The Zionists of the First Century were horrible religious fanatics that didn’t write the Bible and were not the only people that read the Bible, or worshipped Jehovah/Elohim. They were not the official priests of the Temple – they were a radical, break-away sect that literally wanted to murder every “non-Jewish” man, woman, and child – and their animals – because they were vicious religious fanatics.
There were three “Roman-Jewish Wars” eventually ending up with “both sides” (more like a dozen “sides”) genociding each other. The myth of “Masada” ended the second war, the third has very little primary documentation.
In any case just when the Romans finally defeat the Zionists, surprise surprise, a new religion that is exactly the same as the Zionist religion – the genital mutilation, the bizarre dietary restrictions, the racism, the fanaticism, the hatred for art – is started by a new Prophet, who declares himself to be following in the footsteps of Abraham, Moses, and Jesus, appears on the scene. A New New Testament is written and the Muslims went on to conquer the entire Middle East – and with the help of the Jews, parts of Europe like Spain.
Back when I finally read Valliant and Fahy just a few years ago, I remembered two influential men I had met growing up. One was a kind of “rogue” Bible teacher at my Christian school, who admitted to me that his church was rather unusual in that their beliefs about the religion and Christology were different than the “mainstream” and in fact “had things in common with Islam.”
The other was a Sunni Muslim who did a presentation for the community about Islam, and told me – personally – that I should read the book of James – he explained that James was the brother of Jesus and both were Sunni Muslims – and notice how different it is from Paul’s letters.
Eisenman said just read the book of James and compare it to the book of Galatians, they are arguing with each other about which version of the religion is right – they are taking each others words and twisting them.
They are trolling each other.
James is outright trolling Paul with his talk of the “lying tongues” full of “poison.” Paul is outright trolling James, with his talk about “beating the air in vain” and “putting away childish things” – like circumcision, or not eating delicious bacon, thinking this makes you “righteous.”
But, really, in 2021, is any of this stuff relevant? It is not. Frankly, I wish I had spent more time learning Chinese, or statistics.
Paul was right when he said to put away childish things, and James was right when he said:
Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.
I guess my Dad was right all along.
 Not only that, I found out later that the whole world is basically Female Supremacist. While girls are made up everything sweet, like sugar and spice, boys are made of dirt and puppy dog tails, which I assumed was why my mom was always telling me that if I was going to be so rowdy and loud I should just go outside in the back yard and play with the dog. Maybe that’s why I grew up with a fetish for verbally dressing down pretty but haughty girls and giving them spankings. Those princesses are spoiled rotten but I’ll show them!
 At some point the Pastor told all the fathers, you need to read the Bible to your family every day, a few chapters at a time, and you can get through it in about a year. So after dinner we would retire to the living room, and my Dad would read the Bible to us while my mother would sit next to him listening – and knitting – and beaming with joy, as this was basically why she got married in the first place, to have a Husband who would be “the man of the house” and teach her and the kids about the important things in life, meaning, Jesus Christ, and the importance of family.
By the time my Dad got to Leviticus, it started to get kind of … unpleasant. After a couple of chapters about how the ancient Israelites would commit horrific tortures and murders on their neighbors, and themselves, and the children, even the animals, all in the name of God, my Dad decided we would skip that part for now and get to the good parts – the part about Jesus, the New Testament, which was the important part anyway. The Gospel of Matthew is clearly morally superior to Leviticus, which is just awful. God couldn’t have written any of that, those “Levite priests” must have snuck in and added all their hate to the Bible. Martin Luther should have taken that part out and left in Revelation and James.
 Once they took us to a big “youth meeting” with all the churches in a hundred mile radius to explain to us why “Rock Music” was bad and of the devil. This had no effect on me except making me extremely curious about 1970’s hard rock.
AC/DC really had a song called “Highway to Hell?” Scandalous!
When they asked Angus Young if he worshipped Satan, he said, “of course not, me mum would kill me!” They later explained that the song “Highway to Hell” was about them driving down this particular road outside of Sydney to their favorite bar, where they would do some “hell raising.”
But please do not think this pedestrian explanation means that the song lacks spiritual content – it is a very deep and spiritual song.
The singer, Bon Scott, would, at the very height of his fame, “succumb to his alcoholism” and choke on his own vomit and die in the back of a car after a night of hard partying.
Hey Satan, pay my dues,
You know I’m in a rocking band,
Hey Momma, look at me!
I’m on my way to the promised land!
They call it “Demon Rum” for a reason, my friends.
“They did not understand what he meant and were afraid to ask him about it.” — Mark 9:32